here's the deal...

I am still not sure what to do about my blog. The deal is after the new year I had been feeling really secure in my relationship with the Lord...spending time with Him daily (ok, most days), praying, found a church home, feeling good in my friendships and marriage being centered on Him. Soooo, satan did not like that AT ALL. Unfortunately I think I can say I have been attacked by the prince of darkness for a while now and it has really caused me to rethink so much of what I am doing, thinking, saying, typing and on and on. satan has attacked my mind, my heart, my friendships, my marriage, my family relationships...you name it, he is on it. Now this isn't to say no one has responsibility for the things that have been going on. There has been sin all up in it on the part of others as well as my own. I am hurting and wounded by all that has transpired and some of it has taken place via my blog, other people's blogs, facebook or just any medium that satan could use to bring devisiveness, which is what caused me to analyze it. I definitely don't want to give him any kind of foothold so I am examining if I should have a blog, make it private or just use it for factual "here's my cute kiddos" kind of stuff. But that just isn't me. I have been struggling and actually wrote a post that I didn't post before satan began his rampage with my thoughts and insecurities and who I am as a woman and mother. I found myself questioning if the people around me really cared about me, if I was worthy to have friends...if I was really serving my husband. Shortly thereafter hard conversations with friends, family and Mick came about as well as some other things. It was if...well not as if...but it was because satan saw an opening and he ran with it. There are many areas that I am struggling in, so to cover that base I am not speaking of one particular situation but the combination of the whole. I can't describe on here the personal things that went on (due to the "personal" part) meaning other people were involved...if it were just me I'd be typing away. But I have been brought closer to Jesus through it all and made more aware of my need not only to battle sin and darkness but my thoughts as well. I have realized that my thoughts when twisted and turned by satan can cause me to sin by acting in a way that isn't pleasing to God. So I am trying to take those negative thoughts captive and focus on Jesus. Throughout this time I have been asking God to teach me through it and He has been so faithful. He has made me way more aware of my own selfishness, tendencies towards sin, and allowed me to be refined and made more like Him. I have been praying about seeking and spending time with an older godly woman and all of these situations have forced me to step out in faith in that area. My relationship with Mick as my partner and support even in a hard time has been tested and reaffirmed. My identity has been made more stable in who I am in Christ. And while I will continue to learn and grow and be refined by our Heavenly Father I do feel I can still use this blog to glorify Him by being who He made me to be...and who He is making me to be. I say all this not to just vomit my life onto the screen but to remind myself and you to check your motives in what you write, give other people grace and try to think the best of them especially if they love Jesus too, confront those you love and move on, put others first in all you do. Yikes what I just typed was definitely from the Lord and not from me because I am not saying I have nailed down any of those things. Just a sinner like you, in need of God's grace each and every day. And if God can use my blog to teach more people about Him and to save others from some mistakes that I have made so be it...and if He can't then I will definitely walk away from the keyboard. I feel like I am not a surface person...therefore I just can't be a surface blogger. No judgement if you are a surface blogger...I think it is much safer that way...just not what I am called to do.