Saturday, February 22, 2014

Put me in Coach!

So, I've been thinking. I'm about to think out loud on the blog. This combination can be dangerous. But I really need to get it out there. We will see if I have courage/gumption to press share. I'm about to talk about something that is a little touchy. It's the blessing/curse relationship I have with fakebook...I mean facebook. It has served me well in the past so don't think I'm saying this is for anyone except me. But facebook was a blessing....
-back when I needed to locate my sister when she was MIA after a missed rehab stint. That was the initial reason I got on it in the first place. But we've found her and that was 10 years ago.
-I have prayed for hundreds of people through seeing their situation on facebook.
-Perhaps closest to my heart is when SelahBelle was in the hospital and I used it to elicit the prayers of His people, fast, effectively and easily without ever leaving my sweet baby's side.
-It has been a lifeline through which I communicated with the outside world when I was too depressed with Momma depression after birthing tiny miracles times 3.
-I've bettered my marriage, my parenting, and learned countless things about countless things from reading things others have "shared".
- I've had the ability to share Jesus with others by simply posting God's word and pressing post.
-I've been able to share and learn about sad, heartbreaking abortion truths and raise awareness for myself and others.
Wow, sounds like a great place to be, doesn't it?
But there's another list I want to know the one. The ugliness that it also envokes. I am sure that most of this is limited to my own experience so feel free to judge away. I know its ugly, that is why I am deciding if drastic measures needs to take place.
Facebook has been a curse of sorts by...
-Causing me to spend countless hours that I can not retrieve stalking people's lives that I do not truly know in real life, but their online drama airing sucks me in every. time.
- Tempting me to look at my phone all throughout the day when I should be driving, paying attention to something else or talking to someone.
- worry...oh worry how I despise your attack on my brain daily. Facebook has a way of making me worry about what I said or didn't say on someones post. Thinking and rethinking it ad nauseum.
-Be obsessive with sicknesses. If I see someone is sick on facebook I will happily pray for them, while similtaneosly counting back the hours since the last time we could have been "exposed" to their strep throat/stomach virus/hangnail. I even get frustrated because I then can calculate how long they stayed at home and could then expose my children post sickness. (I know, I'm nutso)
-Compare. Feel inferior. Compare. Feel Superior. Repeat.
And my last one on this list is the main reason I have decided...err...trying to make the remove myself from facebook.
I titled the post, Put Me in Coach...because I need to "get in the game" with my kiddos on a better basis. I've got laundry out the wazoo, dishes in the washer and dinner is in the ov...wait, not it's not. Thus, my point. To make this family of 5 go. I've got to do a lot of things. After all of the above is done, I can plop down and read facebook with my time and therefore starting down the road of one of the above scenarios...or I can sit down with my children and be "in the game". Read. Engage. Or just be. Or I could even do the laundry...if I've gotta. I could have a quiet time. I could play a game with my children. I could just sit and watch them. I could be ready to talk to Mick when he gets home, not answer one more message, etc.  I think about the fact that SelahBelle has never seen me without my phone. I literally take it everywhere. I didn't have access to all this internetz with my first two. So she really has gotten the shaft on my attention. It makes me sad. But being sad, doesn't multiply my attention for her. But getting off of facebook will. While I feel like the things I listed first are great things they don't outweigh the things I miss with my own family. If I am making disciples here and imparting to them what I know, learn and study in the Bible and elsewhere I will be "sharing" things in real life. So, what's a girl to do? I know myself well enough to know my addictive personality and any kind of "limit" I made for myself on "the book" would simply get broken with my justification. So I think I've gotta make the break. I'm going to do it for a 30 day trial period and then reevaluate. I am worried I will miss something someones latest workout regimine or the latest lost tooth. No seriously, I do think we rely on it heavily to be the go between nowadays. But I'll have to rely on calling, texting or instagramming. I know, I'm not giving up my online scrapbook. Just yet. I'm gonna see how much time this facebook sabbatical frees up and then decide if I need to pair down even more.
So, wish me luck and I'll keep you on facebook:)

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Sweetest Grandmama Yet Sassiest Lady Eva

I guess it's good that I've skipped the blogging for a bit because this post is still going to be hard even now. It's been almost 2 months since my Grandmama went to meet Jesus face to face. She's made her self at home in heaven by now and I'm sure she's in the choir if they have one. Jesus is probably having her make biscuits for everyone. My Grandmama was 91 and passed away just days before Christmas. It was one of the hardest yet sweetest things I've ever witnessed. Someone deteriorating here on earth only to enter heaven and gain a new body in heaven. I believe God let me see just how bad and dark suffering can be, to truly be able to gladly tell her to go on to be with Jesus. Having her for 33 years of my life made me believe that I'd never know a day without her loud talking and wet kisses. But time is fleeting and life is short ... Even 93 years short. It was so hard to let go of someone who has meant so much to me. But her body just couldn't keep any longer. I am so thankful she met, held and loved all my babies. She was crazy about each one and they loved her too. I had always promised her I would speak at her funeral and tell the story of her wedding night. But fearing her wrath I didn't share that story of how marrying at 14 left she and my Granddaddy clueless to how knocking the boot actually took place. We all know they figured it out because my Mom's brother was born a year later!;) I want to document what I said at her funeral so I'll just end the post with that. 

Can I brag for a minute? My grandmama spent her life bragging on me . Chances r she spent some time bragging on you too. So I promised her when she finally went on I'd have some bragging to do on her. 
I wanted to give time giving God some glory and to honor a lady who left a legacy that I'm not sure anyone could ever live up to. 
The legacy she left stands out to me in 3 significant ways. Her prayer life, her love for her family and her personal relationship w Jesus. Chances are most people in this room know what it's like to be her family...blood or not. She had a way to make everyone feel like you were her favorite. She was always "so proud you came" and if you let her know when you were coming. She'd have all of your favorite foods. For me it was biscuits, fried chicken and fried okra. For others it was her tomato gravy...but pretty much anything she cooked was delicious. She'd have it ready for you and if you weren't hungry u best just hush bc you were gonna eat it!  She loved her family to bits and we all knew it. 
I learned so much from her, from lessons about money and fruit at the fruit stand to things about your boyfriend that your grandmother should not say!  She taught me family is important. 
One of the ways she taught this was through her prayer life. As a young girl my grandmama was the only person I'd stay with and when I did we'd get to kneel at the end of her bed and we'd pray. As we both got older her prayer example continued and even when I got old enough to sleep in the room next door I could hear her get down on her knees and pray. She never gave up on anyone and lifted so many of y'all up nightly in sure. She was persistent with The Lord and she wasn't afraid to tell him just how she felt. But those prayers got louder as the years wore on and he hearing got lesser. She never quit. Praying with her these last few weeks was a gift I'll always cherish. Especially bc she couldn't let me end the prayer; she had to join in. She never missed a chance to talk to Jesus. That example is one part of her legacy I hope to pAss on. ...
I sadly just discovered the rest of what I wrote/said was somehow lost! I am so upset. But will have to finish another day. So to be continued...

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Third Time Mother

Well, it might have been a minute since I've found time to get on the internetz for blog perusing or writing. But my excuse is pretty good...and pretty cute. Having the 3rd child has officially maxed us out. Mentally and physically I just ran out of time to do much else. Things like blogging, plucking my eyebrows, washing my face, nurturing friendships, pottying alone, have all become things of the past. But alas, we are drawing closer to the year mark and I will emerge from the baby fog and maybe just one day the girl will sleep through the night two consecutive nights in a row. That day will make me a new woman for sure. But for now we are on our second round of snow days here in D Vegas and our washer is broken, so what's a girl to do if she can't tackle that load of laundry but write one of the 20 blogs that have been rolling around in my cobwebby brain all year.
Being a "first time Momma" was something all on its own. But for a control freak and worrisome gal like me it was a hard, hard, did I say hard? transition. This "third time Momma" stuff has surely not been all sunshine and roses, but it has been a much, much easier transition and one that I have enjoyed and learned to relish even in the hard moments. But let's be honest if you are out there getting advice and a "first time Momma" walks up we take their advice but after having 2 you just might nod and say thanks (not me, but "other people" do this;)) But if a "3rd time Momma" walks in with advice, most get out their notebooks to jot down each word she says. Ok, not really, but sortof. There comes a sort of trial by fire knowledge that you just can't get unless you've had to mother multiple babies all of different sleeping habits, eating habits and personalities. Knowing its your last I'm sure changes things too. But I guess its true what they say that babies can sense fear and maybe I was a tad bit afraid that I hadn't read enough manuals...and now I've realized there is no manual that will answer every question because every baby is so different. Even between my 3, what worked for one of them hasn't been true for all. That's part of the beauty of the 3rd, you know that so you don't stress as much. I wanted to write this post because there is a lot of hype flying around about how having 3 is the hardest and most stressful number of kiddos. They say after 3 the mom starts to let go. I guess I am just advanced, because I've started to let go with the 3rd;) I kid. But with the 3rd or 4th or 1st or 17th...whatever is your number that you finally (somewhat, I'm not saying this ever reaches perfection) understand that God is indeed in control and you indeed are not. I think having SelahBelle in the hospital and coming to the realization that God could spare her life, or God could indeed have her life cut short gave me a weird sense of freedom. Knowing that whatever His plan was, there would be purpose in it. That purpose might hurt something fierce and I might not understand it for many years, or ever. But fighting for control with a God who is way too big for that is just useless. I've realized with the 3rd that these babies are NOT mine alone. That they are entrusted to me for a time. I've got to be obedient to God and His calling...but I am free from a never ending cycle of guilt, burden and unproductive worry. Maybe I might need to read that truth daily though, because there is no doubt I forget it from time to time. The cuddling and enjoying even the sleepless nights have come easier, knowing how they are as quick as a vapor and my memories are already fading about my times with my 2 big ones. The sicknesses are still hard to watch anytime my babies hurt but I'm starting to learn with 3 my Mom and Grandmama might be right after all, their motto of "you can't run from it" is actually turning out true. While we still aren't going to play on the mall playground because I haven't completely been cleansed from my germaphobness, we are going to church and I am letting others hold SelahBelle without breaking out in hives. I love watching the joy she brings us and others. I love watching her nose crinkle and I love knowing how precious each moment is for all of us. Somehow the 3rd made me see just how big Micah is getting and how little SadieJane still seems...even though they are both growing at just the right pace. I have wanted to hold them both more, knowing they aren't my babies anymore and soon enough they wont even fit in my lap. But they'll both sit there regardless, just ask them, I am brainwashing them. I know that what I am learning now is a type of freedom in Christ. I have said in the past God gives you however many children it takes for you to relinquish control...and I have kept getting knocked up. But I also know that this lesson comes to many others in different ways and where I need to relinquish control might not be the same ways that you do...same deal as each child is different so are each of us Momma's. But I'm gonna ride this train as long as I can, enjoying each toothy grin and stinky diaper...knowing I'm gonna miss this soon enough. I have grown more sentimental...didn't know it was possible...but I have taken it to a whole new level. Mick and I'll be staring at each other at the dinner table wondering where the time has gone before we know it...
The other reason I haven't blogged much is social media stage fright has started to get to me. Things I type on facebook, on instagram, etc. consume my thinking at times. I know that I might be misinterpreted or judged. But this paralysis isn't worth me not documenting my time with my babies. So read on friend, if you wish, but let this disclaimer stand for all my further posts. Judge not lest you be judged. I love Jesus. A lot. I want people to see Him in me, in my husband, in my babies and in our family. If we know that about each other we will talk kinder, read with an open mind and put ourselves in each others shoes before we calmly agree or choose to disagree. K? K.