Thursday, August 1, 2013

Oh Micahbird...

I sit here one week from the day my sweet baby boy will be heading to Kindergarten. Ugh. We've given him a "bonus year" and yet I am still not ready. I really wanted to homeschool this handsome guy but that wasn't the plan for now (ie. I couldn't convince his Daddy:))
Aside from the nights that SelahBelle was up half the night this summer has seemed like it lasted about 45 minutes total. Possibly because I knew it was to be our last before the big school started. We have had a lot of fun this summer but have very little to show for it. Having a baby born in the spring and then back in the hospital will have you forgetting about laundry for days...barely vaccuming....and making dusting a thing of the past. I know I wont have this perspective forever and I'll be lulled back into the monotony of life in general. But for now I am ultra aware that my time with my babies can be cut short any moment God sees fit and I HAVE to be present while I am able...this doesn't mean I don't still get sucked into putting on a show (ok, 5 from on demand), or texting friends or checking facebook, or goodness forbid fixing an instagram picture. But I try to do it a little less. I have about 25 blogposts swirling around in my head and they are all trying to jump into this one...but alas, this one is about my Micahbird.
I can not believe I will be sending him out to school in such a short time. It seriously feels so surreal. I know that school will change him; or he will change at school. It scares me to think of not being with him for such a significant part of his day. It worries me that his teacher wont know "that look in his eye" that he gets right before he starts to cry. That you can curtail with a joke and a hug. It makes me nauseated to think of the things that he is bound to learn from "friends"...and even more so the things he might teach them as well. But I trust God has a plan. That as I cover my sweet, albeit stubborn and sensitive all at once, in prayers. That if I do my part at home he can be a little light where God has him and that I can prayerfully be a light there as well.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Our Little Miracle, but aren't they all?

Disclaimer: I have tried to sit and write this particular post on a number of occasions. I stop due to tears from me, or possibly my other smaller people. I am already finding it hard to remember details and a lot of it feels like a bad dream. In the first few days of hospital dealings I truly didn't think I could make it through, and now here I am and I want to tell about it. To give God glory for sparing our sweet girl and for seeing us through in very intimate ways. I also know how blessed we are to have had such a best case scenario of a worst case situation.
I don't even know how to start this post but I want to remember it for a number of reasons, but mostly because God deserves ALL the praise and glory for bringing our family THROUGH a seemingly hard situation.
So I am starting from the beginning. On a Tuesday afternoon, after a great day SelahBelle started having a lot of blood in her diapers with her poop. I, of course, freaked out and called one of my best friends. Together she and I feel as though we could run a medical practice, better than most Dr's today. Her son had a milk protein allergy and had some blood in his diapers at times. She gave me the lowdown on what to do, but some of SelahBelle's symptoms weren't matching up so we decided I should probably talk with a liscensed Dr as well. Wednesday morning I was there when the doors were unlocked and saw a Dr. who was in a big fat hurry. Once I mentioned the allergy issue she said that was probably it and went to get my a gallon of formula, because I would "probably need it" she said. I started to cry because nursing is something I have worked VERY hard for with all of my babies and her flippancy was frustrating. She went on to give me some incorrect information on the allergy issue, so I decided she probably wasn't going to help me. I came with diapers in hand and lots of details that she wasn't that interested in. I asked her if she didn't think it could be something much more serious, because in my gut I just felt something was wrong. She said no and headed out the door. More crying for me. I headed home on my new dairyless diet and spent the rest of the afternoon sitting on the couch feeding SelahBelle and changing diaper after diaper of blood. I literally didn't move from the couch, stressing...texting pictures to my pseudo doctor friend. Who finally let me know that it wasn't the same as her son's and validated what I was already afraid of...this wasn't just an allergy. I waited for Mick to get home and once I got his approval that I wasn't being irrational, called Children's and they of course said to bring her to the ER. We went in and spent most of the night doing tests and XRay's. Everything came up fine. Phew. Thank goodness and then we came home with me still breastfeeding and on my strict eat hardly anything tasty diet. SelahBelle was still feeling limp and lethargic but the blood wasn't as bad. Then we get a phone call that her x-ray had a little problem and they wanted us to follow up with an ultrasound, back at the hospital. Our doctor's office seemed irritated and unaware by this finding and did little to help us get the ultrasound scheduled. I wont go into what transpired between I and a nurse but in order to get my point across I had to resort to sobs and shouts to get her to see the seriousness of the issue. Meanwhile SelahBelle had grown even more tired and a little bit unresponsive. Mick rushed home and we finally get an ultrasound. Our ultrasound tech was by no coincidence a believer. She easily sensed our angst and took our mind off things while she did a very long ultrasound by reminding us of our faith. At the end of the ultrasound we waited for a conference call with the Doctor that had seen us at our pediatricians office. She rattled off a lot of big words and gave us no time to ask questions. She said that they had seen something on the liver but didn't think it would be of concern. We should simply follow up with our Dr. in the am. Mick and I both lost it at that point because SelahBelle had grown more lethargic and no one seemed to want to help us. Ugh. Just thinking about the helplessness we felt at this point makes me want to cry and throw up all at once. I felt like I was taking crazy pills and that no one cared about our sweet girl. The ultrasound tech mentioned that we could go back to the ER again and let those Dr's look at our ultrasound. After we had just discussed our faith in Jesus, we weren't exactly a picture of kindness and grace, but we were super stressed and worried parents. I apologize profusely and was thankful that she already knew Jesus, since we at that time weren't doing Him any favors by our actions. So, we took her suggestion and headed back to the ER. After we got triaged SelahBelle continued to have worsening bloody stools. The doctor continued with the view that it was an allergy to milk in my diet (just to save confusion, they didn't think it was my actual breastmilk, but to the dairy/milk protein in what I was eating) and to better quickly help SelahBelle we would need to give her formula. He would then consult with a GI doctor and take a look at the ultrasound findings. At this point I just wanted her to get better so I agreed. And then sobbed at my failure to keep my 3rd child from the bottle. The doctor new I was upset but I just wanted to do whatever it took to get her better the quickest we could. After SelahBelle finished off 2 ounces of alimintum formula the ER dr came running in and told us to stop feeding her anything. I just knew he'd finally talked with a GI doctor and had come to his senses that my breastmilk was best regardless:) But instead, he comes in with a diagnosis of NEC a serious intestinal infection that I knew nothing about. At first I was relieved because this meant it wasn't my breastmilk...but I would shortly realize that a little allergy would have been a much easier alternative. They mentioned we were being admitted and that we would be there for (at least) a few days. I was so overwhelmed by the emotional roller coaster that I had to leave the room and sob some more. Ugh. Mick stayed with SelahBelle while they quickly did all sorts of bloodwork, tests, etc. Then we get the news that we are going to the Pediatric ICU. We get upstairs, SelahBelle on a big ole hospital bed...I couldn't carry her...double ugh. We are greeted by a team of nurses and doctors who are exceptionally nice but don't know what to make of our sweet girl. They can't believe she has NEC, an infection that affects mostly preemies and formula fed babies. She is neither. This doesn't help me feel calmer. By this point I am just crying everytime someone starts talking to me. They say they can't give us concrete answers...I am a concrete thinker. Then they drop the bomb that we are going to be there a minimum of 10 days. That she wont be able to eat for 7 of those days. I believe at this point I run from the room to sob somewhere else to keep them from admitting me to the hospital across the street. I felt so out of control and then kept thinking of my other babies at home and hearing SelahBelle's hunger cries were almost unbearable. Mick followed me out to "try" to talk some sense into me. I just couldn't get over feeling like all of this was my fault. Either from my breastmilk, or my overanalyzing or my insistence that something more was wrong had somehow willed it to be...Mick was of course having to deal with watching our baby in the hospital and watching his wife act like a baby. He reminded me sternly that the alternative in waiting things out could have been SelahBelle's life, and would I be willing to risk that alternative? Yeah, no way. So I got myself back together and headed back to be a Momma again. By this time my Momma had arrived and insisted I lay down while she held a pacifier in SB's mouth for 3 hours straight. I think I slept an hour that night and then woke up just the way I had laid down, tears just falling down. This was Friday by now. Friday was a good day. We got to meet the GI doctor and his PA. They gave us a bit more concrete answers, explained what they felt had happened and where we were headed. A control freaks dream. A plan. Finally. More tears for sure but much less hysteria on my end from then on out. They explained that the ultrasound showed air or gas on SB's little liver. This is not good. The only way gas can get into a little ones body is through bacteria from an infection emitting this air/gas. This is textbook for the aforementioned NEC diagnosis, which usually requires surgery. But since they had not seen any perforations or tears in the x ray's she had (the best kind:)) medical NEC. Most require surgery to remove the part of the intestines that is in a sense "dying", but since it appeared we had caught this early she would only need antibiotics and gut rest. Good news. Except this meant gut rest. Which means hungry newborn for a week at least. Everyone wants to know what caused this to happen and the answer is, we don't know, doctor's don't know and we will probably never know. It is an infection in the colon and there are thoughts as to how it gets there but there isn't anything SB did or was exposed to that caused it.  Aunt Brittany, Taron, Erin and my mom all come by for visits and I felt much better. I felt so good indeed that I sent Mick to Coach the state tournament since he was coaching his high school baseball team in the playoffs. Nana came to help with SelahBelle. I lay down to finally rest and they come running in again that we've gotta move rooms. We are being taken down to the NICU because they need our room in the PICU. I totally understand there are sicker babies that need help so I am good with that, but change is not my friend and we had just gotten used to our new "home". Once we get down to the Newborn ICU though we realize we have just hit the jackpot of nurses in that these ladies are unbelievable at dealing with people like us and babies like SelahBelle. She is an old lady compared to these babies and an anomaly in that she has been home before. These babies are all sleeping soundly and SB is screaming her lungs out for a good part of the day. Hoping just maybe a nurse hadn't read her chart and would give her a drop of something. She especially disliked me since I was producing the very stuff that she was dying to have...milk. But each day she got better and by day 5 had almost come to terms with the fact that we were just NOT going to feed her. Over the course of time she had x-rays, bloodwork and all sorts of pokes and prods. She was such the fighter and trooper. Since she had been home and held, a lot. She was impossible to leave at the hospital. The nurses were awesome but SB was a fulltime job. Mick and I took 5 hour shifts over nights and then during the day he or I would possibly get to go home. I literally lived minute by minute for that first week. I realized after the 3rd day that I'd been wearing the same clothes for a long time. Yikers. I just couldn't bare the thought of SelahBelle waking up at night and not seeing a familiar face, more importantly, her Momma or her Daddy's face. She was already dealing with so much that the things I could control to help her I was determined we do. I haven't even mentioned Micah and SadieJane...oh mercy. That was a whole nother nightmare. I rarely leave them and I definitely don't just disappear for days without explanation. Knowing I could not be with them was a second breakdown for sure. This all transpired over the last few weeks of school for them, Micah's birthday and mother's day. Boo hiss. Timing...ha....I am not thinking there is a good time to have your baby in the hospital. But my mom, Mick's mom and so many of our friends and family stepped in to take care of our big babies at home. My mom took the hardest job of all, bedtime and nighttime. So thankful for all that went on. Our family got to experience the true body of Christ and how it is supposed to work. So often there are problems, etc. but we just sat back (well, sat at the hospital) and watched everyone around us dive in to help us in real and tangible ways. My preschool family brought snacks, gift cards and money for food parking, etc. Mick's baseball team took up a huge donation so that we could afford to eat in the cafeteria, etc and not leave SB for more than a few minutes. My close friends saw to it that I had a Mother's day present. Matilda Jane no less:) Taron and my mom brought my kiddos to me to play so that I wouldn't have a breakdown about that. Mick's mom came and stayed with SelahBelle so we could celebrate Micah's birthday. Mick's sister kept the kiddos. My cousin Jessica, friend Erin, Debbie, Katie and Taron all took turns with shuttling the big ones here and there.  My friend's Brittany,  Amy, Angie, April and I am sure others I have forgotten brought us food, and came to sit with me or hold SelahBelle so I could remain sane. It was amazing. More people than I can list (or respond to;)) texted and messaged me offering words of encouragement and prayers. Mick and I both were simply overwhelmed by the way we were taken care of...and were so thankful to shed some happy tears every now and then. At day 7 (really day 8 for us and SB because we came and stayed at the ER and she had been on limited diet from then on;)) we got the exciting news that SelahBelle had no gas or air in her abdomen or liver and would get to slowly start eating again! Oh happy day that was, some of her old nurses even came back to celebrate and witness the big event!! Unfortunately she did not get to go back to my breastmilk. I had continued pumping throughout our stay because it was the one thing I could control, but new in my heart I probably would never nurse again. Sad realization but after all that had transpired the GI doctor wanted to hold off on offering my breastmilk since it had been questionable originally. He mentioned it would probably be months before we would try to reintroduce. After painstaking plugged ducts and analyzations I made the decision to close up shop and stop the pumping a week or so after we came home. I didn't think I could keep it up nor did I think I would want to risk rocking the boat by reintroducing something that might cause a setback, even a small one. So, my 3rd and most likely last baby only got 5 measly weeks of breastmilk and I have all sorts of failure issues about that whole decision but I had to do what would work for our family and do what seemed wisest to me. No judgment here on nursing struggles any longer. Anyways, we came on home on day 12 and had our last little hurdle last week, which is a barium enema. We are awaiting those results now but assume no news is good news. There are a few other things I want to write about the whole ordeal but I think I've maxed out this post. I wanted to close it with all of the ways we SAW God's hand in this situation. I am sure there were more than we could count of His hand that we didn't SEE.
- My friend Taron's knowledge and experience with the milk protein allergy allowed me to be more confident in my instinct that something was wrong.
- Even the Dr's lack of concern for me initially worked for our good that I refused to just go back to them but rather went back to the ER that night out of frustration...who cares why we went looking back, just glad we did.
- Oh my stars, every last staff at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta Scottish Rite were ordained by the Lord, I just know it. They are indeed a post all their own.
-Specifically our interaction with the ultrasound tech who was the first person to validate that my gut instinct might be right.
-Mick and I did not fight or argue or even have an ugly glance for at least the first week. We worked like a well oiled machine, solely by God's grace allowing us to do so.
-We named SelahBelle for a reason and were able to use her name to witness to so many people and opened up so many conversations about Jesus that we wouldn't have otherwise had.
-I only wish I'd had the mind about me to write things down as they happened because those moments of seeing God's hand are what continued to see us through day to day.
Lastly, I know this situation could have been much worse. I also now know even more acutely that there are all sorts of hurts and sicknesses in this world that we don't even see or hear about until you are in the hospital room next to them. Healthy children are a blessing not to be taken lightly. Lesson is definitely learned here. We will take nothing for granted and when I do, I'll just come back and read this post to jog my memory.

Monday, April 29, 2013

For the love of a 3rd.

When I had Micah I was pretty sure I was the first person to birth a child and have such love and such crazy experiences all at once. Ok, so I KNEW mother's who had gone before me might have experienced something similar. But as always when it happens to "you" it's a whole different ballgame. Well, for the love, the 3rd baby is seriously a breed all its own and I actually am the first one in most of my circles of friends with more than 2 children. In fact, with my best friends I am THE only one, and a lot of them are done. So it would definitely feed my tendency to think that I am the first person to go through all of the 3rd baby transitions. Ha. No I KNOW I'm not. Its just that any of my friends with over 2 children don't have time to call me back so we just aren't as close. Hee hee.
I know, I know, transition is hard and each baby brings about its own set of challenges and blessings. Whether you have one, two or five; whether you have merely babysat a child and aren't even married (I find it hard to believe anyone without children would enjoy my of her kids, silly words, blah blah what I am sure they are reading...if they are reading at all;)) Whether you are trying hard to conceive or get knocked up at the drop of a hat I know that each person's story of their lives is just that "their story". So this is mine. That is what my blog is for, right? So don't think I'm thinking myself better, more spiritual, or woe is me. I am just letting you know how it has worked in the Harper head case that I am.
This transition to the 3rd has been the smoothest of all of my babies. But it has come with all sorts of realizations. I in fact, love these realizations. Some are hard to deal with, but I just truly love where God has me and when I begin to doubt where "we-the Harper 5" are in this season I am reminded that God made it oh so clear that we were to have this sweet baby. So why would He not entrust her to us with great purpose. All babies have purpose which is why I could go off on a tangent about abortion, etc. but that is for another post entirely. It's just that my Jesus knew that Stephanie would need it audible and loud and clear to get all of the lessosn He wanted to teach me! So, what am I learning, realizing and noticing. Phew, a whole lot. Here it is in a jot it down, get it out there form.
For some reason there were ALOT of babies born around this time of year. How do I know this? Well, we have 2 of our children born in the spring and- we've attended 5 birthday parties in 2 weeks!! SelahBelle has really made her rounds. I have to keep reminding myself that we are building her immunity and that the judgement coming from well-meaning mother's of two...just teasing, don't know how hard it is to be a mother both to the children she has done everything with for years as well as be a momma to a newborn who wants to nurse at every stop sign. The only logical choice to be a good mother to both (for me) is to take them all everywhere. We are family, and I just can't send the other two packin' just because we have a third. Nevermind if a predominant amount of my presence is hidden by either a hooter hider or a sling. I am present nonetheless.
Some of the things I am learning though is a Momma with a lot (3 appears to be a lot from my point of reference...I know...notsomuch for the Duggars or Kate-Jon, but still a lot.) of babies tends to not have a place at social functions. Or at least not when they are each dependent upon you in some shape or fashion. While friends love you and want to be helpful there is only so much they can do.
Your husband too, assumes that if you've done this 2 times already, why in the world would you even need his help...and if he does offer by golly have worked things down to a science and his help only interferes with your plan. I've learned that being alone is ok. Sitting and eating at a birthday party with your actual children instead of friends can actually be enjoyable. It can be lonely, but in a ok kind of way.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

3 Weeks of Baby Bliss...BAA...ha...ha...ha

Look at that sweet face. I mean peaceful, content, perfect? Ha, not so much. SelahBelle has been such a blessing to our family and she has done so well. I have gotten sleep and she has really been a great baby. We wont mention any names but I know some newborns who really gave us a run for our money. Fortunately I forgot those days shortly thereafter and they only recently came back as I am rocking SelahBelle during a crying jag. She has been great. BUT, newborns are not for the faint of heart. I ended up getting strep throat at the 10 day old mark and had a few other uncomfortable things going on in the girl department. Life got a little hard. Nevermind the two other little people watching too much television and trying to get my attention. Bottom line, being a Momma is not alllll bliss. Granted there have already been many moments where I am moved to happy tears by simply staring at our little miracle, or hearing my older two miracles love on me, each other or their new baby. But those moments sometimes get drowned out by the Unhappy tears and screams. (Sometimes those are SelahBelle's...other times they are mine!)
The point of all this banter is because recently I was reading something about how our "social media" tends to only show the "blissful" side of our lives. It does appear true that most of what we ...put out there...portrays the good in our lives. I mean who wants to share their failures, especially in sepia tone on instagram. But I have had a day and I just thought I'd share it. As usual, for therapy and also just to be sure (as if you didn't already know) that our family and I am no where near perfect. This post will serve as a reminder to myself when I go thinking I've got control of things.
This morning was my first official day of NO help at all. I have been managing things mostly on my own but thankfully someone has been helping in big and small ways for the last 3 weeks. Thank you Jesus. But today, I was on. my. own. There was no one to call if I needed help getting Micahbird and SayJ to school and I was also in charge of feeding these people! Ha. I get up and get a shower, feed the baby, put on makeup, feed the baby some more, feed Micah (ie, throw him some muffins and milk), fix my hair (toot toot:)), get dressed and then get ready to head out the door...ON TIME! When Micah realizes he can't find his shoes. Most of you might remember his sensory disorder and it also applies to shoes. If they don't feel just right, he can't take it. But we are on time, and I will not be slowed down. I order him to get other shoes on and get in the car. Now, it is his fault that he doesn't have his shoes because it is his responsibility to put them in the basket each day. SelahBelle starts screaming the moment I put her in her carseat and shockingly SadieJane obediently goes and buckles in the car!! The girls are all in and ready to go and Micah is supposed to be getting on shoes. I scream out the car window because he is ruining our "blissful" get in the car NOWWWW.  He goes to pieces. I finally give him the shoe choices left and like a pitiful puppy being harshly disciplined he climbs in the car. SadieJane then starts crying because "your words are sooo mean to my Bubba, Momma!" I continue in my pride to  get on to Bubba. We then go on to try to say our prayers, over SelahBelle's incessant screams. Micah insists I pray for Mick and SelahBelle, but he'd prefer not to pray for me. Nice. Real nice. I pray through gritted teeth then send them out the door with a smile at car pool. When I ask Micah for a kiss, he says "Gotta go Mom..." No kiss. Break. My. Heart. Into many pieces. Then I pull over to feed the one child who I at least know still needs me.
As I am nursing SelahBelle I am hit with the magnitude of my words and actions. My sin of inpatience and quick to anger came to mind and convicted me before the Lord. I confessed it all to Him but had a heavy burden on my heart to make things right with my 5 year old and my 3 year old. In light of recent events as well as my need to truly live out my faith for my kiddos I knew I needed to make things right as soon as possible. So I lugged my lump of love in to the preschool and headed to talk it out with Micah. He was nervous as to what my intentions were, but greeted me with love and forgiveness. Thankfully someone in our house keeps short accounts...even if that might not be a "lived out" example part. I apologized to feisty SadieJane too and thanked her for being her brother's defender. Then SelahBelle and I headed home. It was only 9:30....and there is still a whole day left of other failures and realness to share...but I'll leave that transparency for another day and go on and post my picture perfect instagram picture and move on.

Monday, April 1, 2013

SelahBelle Ruth's Birth Day

Well, we haven't had time to upload any pictures from the big ole camera but I have a few instagram ones, my newest quickest instaobsession and a supplement for my blog. Fewer words, less time, but memory captured quick like.
Just thought I'd blog about the whole Birth Day/week before I forget all about it. Well, everyone knows I've always wanted to experience childbirth and majorly regret not insisting my doctor letting me try to birth Micah...but now I can say I've experienced a very small slice of it. Scheduled C-section for Wednesday morning but starting Monday, contractions began to come on. By Tuesday night just about 5 hours before I needed to be at the hospital (and much needed sleep) they got so intense and 8 minutes apart that I got nervous. Never having been in labor, or even talked about what it was truly like kind of put me at a disadvantage:) So we get to the hospital and while I was in early labor my cervix was closed and locked. So I just had a little extra lounging time in a hospital room. Ugh. Felt so silly. But if I'd stayed home I'd probably have given birth in the car;) Actually I am pretty sure now that this body doesn't get how it works the natural way. So in a round about way it made me even more thankful for the big C.
I also had major anxiety about the csection but had decided to trust God to allow me to enjoy the birth of a child. With Micah and even worse with SayJ I was so nauseas I just struggled through the first few days of their lives. God was so gracious and He granted me a stress free and puke free 24 hours. I was actually able to conversate with those that came to visit and enjoy them. I couldn't believe it!! Neither could a few that had been there for all 3 births. Since I usually send them packing. SelahBelle was healthy at birth although a bit smaller than the other Harper babies. A tiny (to me) 7 pounds and 6 ounce bundle of joy. She is petite and long with long fingers and toes. She has had the best disposition and took to nursing well too. Just a testament to answered prayers and God's faithfulness when we remember He is the one we seek. No doubt, His will and purpose are perfect whether your baby latches on or not, but I am just giving my take on things. All of the health complications we were concerned about continue to be a nonissue. But will continue to check vigilantly just as we would with any child. The one drawback to sweet SelahBelle's birth was her bilirubin levels were of concern so we got to experience the awful tanning bed for babies. It was awful and I came close to loosing all composure. But thankfully one of my dear friends offered to come spend the night with me and help me stay sane. Mick had come home to stay with our big babies. It was awesome to see the hands and feet of Jesus through my friends and family this go round as I was ever aware of their prayers and actions. God just simply allowed me to see His control in all of this, whereas in the past births I couldn't relinquish control, even to Him, of my tiny miracles. But thankfully the more babies you have the more you learn and grow.
So far we've been home 3 days and while things are surely challenging I am so enjoying being a Momma to a newborn again. And while I feel pulled in 3 (ok, 5) different directions I am super aware of my continued need to be present with each baby and make more of an effort to do so. My healing is going well and I am praying that I can continue to trust Jesus to fight the battles of after birth emotions and that He indeed will win over satans silly attacks. For now I am taking in each moment and thanking Him from whom all blessings are flowing.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

What a difference a 3rd Baby in Your Belly Makes...

Never say never.
I am that girl.
Why have a blog if you aren't gonna update it?
It stinks to go look at someones' blog and haven't posted in months...
So, I have been a pretty faithful blogger since Micahbird was 6 months old. But somehow this 3rd baby and the lessons learned along with it brought my blogging to a halt. No judgement on anyone elses' continuing blogging or lackthereof for whatever reason, this is just my long post of an excuse and a little update for the 3 people far away who are/were wondering.
Finding out we were having a 3rd baby, a miracle, really, rocked our worlds and brought much excitement. But a few weeks in I began to realize that I had begun to take for granted my time with my 2 out of the womb babies and knew that the time and room for them in the 9 month future would be divided. So I consciously started making an effort to live in the moment and BE present with them, instead of thinking about how I would blog about a moment, etc. During this time we were also given the news that our sweet baby (who through the process I'm discussing we found out was a GIRL!) could possibly have some birth defects and/or complications. As a first with my pregnancies she was SMALL. We grow them large round here. I was faced with a lot of soul searching to do as well as a new relationship/dependence on Jesus. This pregnancy has been a continual relinquishing of control. Day by day, minute by minute. I have seen some ugly sin in my heart that I never knew possible, but I've received grace and mercy that up until this time I couldn't even comprehend was available. To put any of this into words, especially in blog terms just wouldn't come out. My usual "safe place", my sounding board and therapeutic means no longer served the purposed God intended it for; He alone insisted on being my true safe place. While baby girl, SelahBelle has improved in medical terms, as far as the doctor's are concerned when she gets here she might be small but the other worries that they had original, were unfounded at this point. We all know that we don't know all about our babies health until well after they were born and God has used this situation to remind me that regardless of sweet SelahBelle's "condition" she will be just who He designed to entrust to Mick, Micah, SadieJane and I. That whether she be a whopping healthy 10 pounder or a tiny newborn with health challenges I will love her how He wants me to and I will learn and grow in all the ways God wants me to...just as I have these past 9 months. What else has happened these months of hiatus you ask? Too much to document at this time. But we are a family who have recognized that we are not in control of ANY of our circumstance but we serve and worship the One who we will be just fine. In fact we will be thankful.
Here's to hoping I somehow find time to document a little about our sweet new addition in the weeks to come...Lord willing and the creek don't rise she will be here this coming week!!