Look at that sweet face. I mean peaceful, content, perfect? Ha, not so much. SelahBelle has been such a blessing to our family and she has done so well. I have gotten sleep and she has really been a great baby. We wont mention any names but I know some newborns who really gave us a run for our money. Fortunately I forgot those days shortly thereafter and they only recently came back as I am rocking SelahBelle during a crying jag. She has been great. BUT, newborns are not for the faint of heart. I ended up getting strep throat at the 10 day old mark and had a few other uncomfortable things going on in the girl department. Life got a little hard. Nevermind the two other little people watching too much television and trying to get my attention. Bottom line, being a Momma is not alllll bliss. Granted there have already been many moments where I am moved to happy tears by simply staring at our little miracle, or hearing my older two miracles love on me, each other or their new baby. But those moments sometimes get drowned out by the Unhappy tears and screams. (Sometimes those are SelahBelle's...other times they are mine!)
The point of all this banter is because recently I was reading something about how our "social media" tends to only show the "blissful" side of our lives. It does appear true that most of what we ...put out there...portrays the good in our lives. I mean who wants to share their failures, especially in sepia tone on instagram. But I have had a day and I just thought I'd share it. As usual, for therapy and also just to be sure (as if you didn't already know) that our family and I am no where near perfect. This post will serve as a reminder to myself when I go thinking I've got control of things.
This morning was my first official day of NO help at all. I have been managing things mostly on my own but thankfully someone has been helping in big and small ways for the last 3 weeks. Thank you Jesus. But today, I was on. my. own. There was no one to call if I needed help getting Micahbird and SayJ to school and I was also in charge of feeding these people! Ha. I get up and get a shower, feed the baby, put on makeup, feed the baby some more, feed Micah (ie, throw him some muffins and milk), fix my hair (toot toot:)), get dressed and then get ready to head out the door...ON TIME! When Micah realizes he can't find his shoes. Most of you might remember his sensory disorder and it also applies to shoes. If they don't feel just right, he can't take it. But we are on time, and I will not be slowed down. I order him to get other shoes on and get in the car. Now, it is his fault that he doesn't have his shoes because it is his responsibility to put them in the basket each day. SelahBelle starts screaming the moment I put her in her carseat and shockingly SadieJane obediently goes and buckles in the car!! The girls are all in and ready to go and Micah is supposed to be getting on shoes. I scream out the car window because he is ruining our "blissful" morning...to get in the car NOWWWW. He goes to pieces. I finally give him the shoe choices left and like a pitiful puppy being harshly disciplined he climbs in the car. SadieJane then starts crying because "your words are sooo mean to my Bubba, Momma!" I continue in my pride to get on to Bubba. We then go on to try to say our prayers, over SelahBelle's incessant screams. Micah insists I pray for Mick and SelahBelle, but he'd prefer not to pray for me. Nice. Real nice. I pray through gritted teeth then send them out the door with a smile at car pool. When I ask Micah for a kiss, he says "Gotta go Mom..." No kiss. Break. My. Heart. Into many pieces. Then I pull over to feed the one child who I at least know still needs me.
As I am nursing SelahBelle I am hit with the magnitude of my words and actions. My sin of inpatience and quick to anger came to mind and convicted me before the Lord. I confessed it all to Him but had a heavy burden on my heart to make things right with my 5 year old and my 3 year old. In light of recent events as well as my need to truly live out my faith for my kiddos I knew I needed to make things right as soon as possible. So I lugged my lump of love in to the preschool and headed to talk it out with Micah. He was nervous as to what my intentions were, but greeted me with love and forgiveness. Thankfully someone in our house keeps short accounts...even if that might not be a "lived out" example part. I apologized to feisty SadieJane too and thanked her for being her brother's defender. Then SelahBelle and I headed home. It was only 9:30....and there is still a whole day left of other failures and realness to share...but I'll leave that transparency for another day and go on and post my picture perfect instagram picture and move on.