control

One of my many struggles as a Christian is relinquishing control to the Lord in all areas of my life. I like to pray and lean on Jesus in good times and bad but somewhere in my sinful heart I still feel the need to be in control and to have some say in things...I always realize in the end that the best thing to do is to turn it all to Him but often it takes the yuck/hard stuff to bring me there. This whole Momma thing is one big refinement process and the whole second child thing is really bringing some truth home. I love the verse Jeremiah 29:11 and I actually just used it to encourage some teenagers and as I think of it now I see that I need to speak that truth to myself more than anyone else. In the first week of having Sadie Jane I had some really ugly thoughts...most of which I wont be uttering outloud. During those moments I literally had to rebuke Satan in the name of Jesus and Praise the Lord it worked. But one of the thoughts that haunted me was regret...and then of course guilt for the regret. But I kept thinking why oh why did I go and change something I ALMOST had under control?? I sort of had the whole parenting thing down at least to the point that I could have some ...you guessed it...CONTROL. It is now that I see God blessed me with this precious little girl not just to entrust her to me for teaching her about Him but also to bring me to a place of reminding me that He is control. And that isn't a bad thing...I know in church we learn it isn't but in my head sometimes I convince myself it is good to have some control. Oh but it is not. The one area I have learned alot about control is asking for help. It is so hard for me to admit I might not can do something on my own and I especially want to do what God has called me to as a Momma, but I am learning that it is sin that makes me feel like I must do it alone and pride that wants to be in control of everything. All of this said I just wanted to put it in writing knowing that God will continue to remind me of this truth again and again through my precious children but also in so many other ways...maybe I can be reminded here instead of being knocked on my booty when I can't hack it in my own eyes. Either way I am thankful that God loves me enough not to leave me the way that I am, but that He patiently teaches me more of who He is and who I am not.