Long time comin'...

I couldn't decide which blog to post this on, so I am starting here and if it gets too dark or personal I'll move it to my private blog:) Feel free to comment and let me know if you think I should...

But I wanted to share a little bit about what has gone on with my sister and also get out a little bit of what is going on in my own heart. Before I start I'll say so much of what I feel is flawed and messed up, so much of what I think is wrong or confusing so please read this knowing that I in no way find myself perfect or without fault in any of this.

When I found out Heather was pregnant again I was not surprised but I was still devastated. I had little contact with her after she took all rights and information away from me after Mick and I worked really hard to get her into a rehab facility over a year before. She shortly checked out of the one of her choice after a few weeks and was far from well. After that she didn't speak with me for over a year and even at my MawMaw's funeral it was hard to see her due to the violent nature of our previous conversations. The week before Christmas I got a hang up call from the hospital. Knowing it could be only one person Mick headed up in search for Heather. There she lay on a bench, bleeding, alone and pregnant. The babies father had left her there. Mick took her to my parents house and she quickly showed him her drug test showing she was indeed clean. (I had told her I needed proof she was clean before I had her around my babies) We talked and decided that we wanted her to come for Christmas and she did. Micah got to meet who he had been praying for for so long. Heather didn't really want to talk to me much but I encouraged her giving the baby up for adoption or getting into a rehab program. At the time she still didn't see the need for it...but after my mom's gentle (haha) prodding she enrolled in a program to enter as soon as she gave birth to Chase. That is where she is now.

I went and visited her on Sunday and we had the first clear headed conversation we had in years. It was good. She is good. But tears are still rolling down my face as I write this and they aren't all tears of joy. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy, proud and thankful that she is somewhere learning to cope with addiction. But I had no idea that while I have been very cautious to opening my emotions and heart back up to her it still hurts to see her have to go through all of the things she is going through. There is a bond between a sister that no amount of drug abuse and meanness can severe and I hurt for her. She has to do everything for Chase on her own and she has to deal with her addiction at the same time. I am also scared. Scared of the old user and if she could come back. Heather and I have briefly discussed those 48 hours that we spent together when she was as high as she had ever been, she has little recollection and I have far too much. I have never been to war and don't have a clue what it would be like but the flashbacks and the war that we were waging those two days with satan himself was real and frightening. She is working hard and really trying to get her life straight and it is unbelievable in comparison to where we were a few years ago.

The other thing that hit hard after she had Chase was that I can't put my expectation of who she should be on her. She is never going to be exactly what I want, that is unrealistic of anyone in my life. But letting go of that and knowing that are just hard for me right now. I have grieved for Heather a number of times and I never expected to grieve for her once she got help. I thought it'd be all smiles and hugs. Yeah, right. So many people are just so happy for Heather and all have good intentions in encouraging me to do the same. I am cautiously optimistic. I feel so bad that I'm not jumping up and down, but I am realizing alot of this isn't about me, and I guess part of the problem with me helping her is that I make it about me, not her. Ouch.

Drugs are nasty. Meth is the devil if you ask me. I know I would lay my life down before I thought one of my babies would try that stuff. But we aren't guaranteed control over anyone. That is where my Jesus comes in, without Him all this stuff could really get me down. I'm down, but I can look up and see that God is still good and in control. But if I didn't know Jesus I would live everyday in fear and sadness with all that this world has to offer. Just meth itself tore a huge chunk in my sister, her babies, my family and on and on and on. Heather is still one phone call away from using and that is so hard to understand. But I'm only one step away from the pit too. It might not be drugs but there are ways that we all get "addicted" to depending on things that aren't worthy of our worship. As usual I share all of this for a purpose. Addiction is one of those things we'll never fully grasp and any incite to it helps me cope and better deal with Heather. I am giving you a glimpse in for the sake of learning. Also to come out from behind the shame that addiction brings. There is no shame in getting help and in a family hopefully moving forward. There is joy and relief in where we are, as long I don't let myself get in the way.

Please pray for my sister. The program that she is in is good and effective, but it is hard. Knowing my own personal internal struggles after giving birth I hurt for Heather, knowing she has no one to help her raise a baby and cope with the hormones, much less the drug addiction. There are alot of rules where she is, all for reasons, but they make for a difficult road when trying to deal with a new baby. So pray for Chase. I actually took pictures when I went to visit, but Micah has lost the camera I took them with! I will go tonight for family therapy and hopefully get some more.

For those of you that just started reading my blog you might not understand this post but for those who have prayed and walked alongside me, or Heather, or my parents, or our family...we are so thankful for you and your commitement to ask, to love, and to keep praying. Thank you friends!