what to do with a heavy heart?

I went to my Maw Maw's funeral today and while it was hard it was good closure in knowing that she was with the Lord. I had been anticipating it because I really wanted to have that final goodbye. I was expecting to feel some relief at the end but I knew there was a possibility that my sister would make an appearance there. She did. So the closure I felt with MawMaw was overshadowed by my unrelenting urge for reconciliation with my sister. To go from being so close our whole lives to becoming strangers who can't make eye contact is insane to me. I was physically sick with anxiety because of her presence. I hadn't seen her since I dropped her off at the rehab center nearly a year ago and hadn't talked to her since a few weeks after that. There is so much emotion and confusion pent up inside of me that I truly didn't know how to react. I had prayed all morning that if she were there God would give me wisdom in what to do...but nothing really came to mind. We eventually spoke and I at least got to tell her I love her and I introduced Micah to her because he knows we pray for her alot. I am just so sad. I want so bad for all of it to be behind us and for us to just be sisters but it isn't even close to being that easy. I got Micah and I in the car and sobbed because instead of feeling like my Maw Maw died I feel like my relationship with my sister is dying instead. There is hope and a promise that I will see my Maw Maw again and talk with her. But with my sister I have no idea when I will see her again or how to communicate with her if I do.

I know this post may be a little too raw and real and I probably should have kept it internally, but you all know me and my openness, and I for some reason continue to feel the need to purge myself from the situation in hopes that something miraculous will happen and this will simply be apart of the beautiful testimony that is to come. Oh please, Jesus, let it be.