Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Just a little bump?

So, SadieJane has had a bump on her arm since January. It has been the weirdest thing. It has gotten swollen and nasty and then gone down. Then red, then purple, then white, then red again. We've been to the pediatrician and back again then to a dermatologist. We've had antibiotics and still the big bump prevails. I've diagnosed it as staph, MRSA, a cyst, an ingrown hair, a bug bite...and I've stayed up at night worrying about it. We don't know how it got there or when it might leave. So yesterday we trekked to Emory, where for all of you who will one day need to know...is the ONLY pediatric dermatologist anywhere remotely close. I am sure SayJ is fine and her bump is just scar tissue but the dr decided to do a biopsy and we'll know for sure in a bit. For some reason this bump has bothered me way more than it has bothered her and I just want it to be gone. The biopsy today was NOT fun at all and we spent over 4 hours at emory. Also, not so fun. I went alone and got to hold her as they performed in my opinion "a small surgery" on her arm. Phew. I made it through and you can just about call me a "cucumber" since I remained calm and collected the whole time. BUT, then we went to the car and someone had parked to close. Please don't do this to people! As I was saying not nice things about them, I had smushed SayJ against their window to try to get the door open...and the stinkin' people had left two dogs in their car...who malled the window that I mentioned. AHHH! SadieJane and I both wet our pants. She had finally calmed down after her biopsy and that sent her and me over the edge. I was shaking as we drove away and I can't write what I was thinking about the close parkers. Although it was a tough day, I kept thinking about how many days I got to spend with Micah all by himself and that was one of the only SadieJane and I have ever had. Taron thankfully got Micah from school and let him play with Jaxson so I at least didn't have to stress about him. And while SadieJane's day was less than pleasant for her at times...and I was super stressed about making Momma decisions, but we did get to eat together and talk and there wasn't any discipline or fighting for my attention. So somewhere in yesterday was a blessing. I am thankful for it. God also allowed me as usual to see more of Him through having children. As I sat there holding SadieJane down with nurse, resident and doctor...I was loving on her and kissing her, talking to her and soothing her and she just screamed and screamed and screamed. I wanted to cry because I could see the hurt in her eyes but I knew it would be over quickly and it would in the end be better for her to find out what is wrong with her arm. AND I quickly scooped her up and turned her around so I could hold her and comfort her and let her know it was all over and she was ok. Oh, it hurt me SO bad to see her hurt and I wanted to trade places with her.
Again, so many lessons for me from our Jesus. Driving home I kept replaying that awful moment and thinking how often I must look like that to God. Screaming and fussing about whatever "discipline" or "hardship" that might come my way. All the while He's holding me and loving on me, knowing it'll be over soon enough and He will help me through and love me on the other side. If only I didn't act like a little child, I would be able to even work through the hardship without all that fussing and resistance...ahh, but often times I do just that.
The other thing that hit me was the pain I felt in watching Sadie Jane go through something hard. Oh, how God must have felt watching Jesus hurt, for me. I just love the Lord and praise Him that He loved me that much. He loves you that much too.
I know my analogies are stretches and lacking in depth but to me they turned my heart in the right direction, toward Him.

3 comments:

Sarah said...

Hey! I just discovered your blog a couple of weeks ago (someone else I know has you linked) and you have already inspired me in a number if ways, but I just wanted to thank you for posting this... The timing was perfect for me! Praying for good results from the biopsy, and thanks for the inspiration!

Wendy said...

Thank you Steph for this great post. Oh how much I need to be reminded of God's sacrifice and how He is holding me through frustration and suffering. Love you friend.

Anne Marie said...

Love this post Stephanie!!! I spoke to my heart more than you know!