worry is of the devil...

I sat down and wrote a long post about schooling options the other day then read and reread it four times in hopes of not offending anyone. After much angst I finally got ready to post and half of it was deleted. I decided at that point it wasn't going to be a post...

Why is it that once you have a great experience with the Lord and begin to feel secure things start to crumble? Why is it that the biggest lessons seemed to be learned in trials? Why is it that sin is easily revealed in hard times? I think God answers all of these with each of us in our own way...and for the one's He doesn't I am sure He has a purpose and a reason for not doing so...

After a great girl's trip I came back ready to minister to family and friends and get all my stuff in check. But in the midst of doing that the old worry wart nature started welling up within me. Worrying about what others think and what others think about what I say and what I do. I can remember coming back from church camp and seeing satan get on it to keep me from sharing the joy of Jesus...after a couple of years I started preparing for battle after those trips because I knew it would be a challenge. Hadn't had a trip like that in so long that when I got this girl's trip that turned into a mini "women's retreat:)" that I forgot to prepare myself for the challenge that would inevitably come after being refreshed and ready to be used by the Lord. Instead of ministering and loving people I've found myself getting immobilized by worry or my own thinking. I analyze everything. This isn't something new that has just happened recently. It's just that after the trip I kicked it into high gear... it has gotten worse, I didn't think that was possible. Wouldn't you know a year after doing the "So Long, Insecurity" thing I am now seeming to greet it again with open arms. I feel like writing about this in hopes that I will gain some new perspective and hopefully allow God to show me more of how I can change this area of sin in my life. My brain is seriously on overdrive all the time. I am now applying so much energy figuring out and then assuming what other people think. Then driving myself crazy with what I've decided they think. It happens with friends, family and strangers alike. Ugh. It is exhausting and so hard to stop. I also have a hard time with the balance of caring about someones feeling and worrying about what people think. I know we should have sympathy and care about others, but then where do you draw the line to stop yourself from being consumed by that? I know there are many of you reading this wondering what in the world I am talking about because Mick has no idea how I let this happen. He tries to understand but his brain just doesn't work the way that mine does, and I'm sure most of yours don't either. But I am again trying to "take every thought captive" and make an impact for the Lord. To not let satan run my thoughts and to surrender all of my anxiety to the Lord. I am typing this out in hopes that it somehow helps me to actually do what I say and pray. Unfortunately many of you have experienced my overanxious side by the dreaded "Are you mad at me?" that I feel the need to incessantly ask those that I love. Yet another product of anxiety that I am hoping to allow Jesus to free me from. In college I was a worrier...I guess I've always been one. We would constantly say "worry is of the devil" because for some reason worrying can start to feel profitable. Like I am actually doing something by worrying. But that is just satan wanting me to think that so that I get consumed like I mentioned above. Eventually paralyzed. No. Thanks.

Even as I type this and get ready to share I am proofing trying to make sure no one takes this post personally or thinks I am crazy. And that my friends, is why I feel the need to post it. To put a part of myself out there and to let it go. I want to type posts other than superficial picture posts. If I don't get some security in the Lord and find my identity in Him they'll be nothing left to write about. And I hope not, but if some of you struggle with this...obviously you are not alone, and hopefully sharing the fact that the one other person that feels this way and I can conquer this in His strength. And it will make the devil so sad, because he wont get a foothold on us.

So as soon as this "new me" gets under way I'll be finishing up that schooling post and posting right away.