The Beast

Yesterday my favorite movie came on Disney. Beauty and the Beast is my all time favorite and I had been wanting Micah and SayJ to see it. Micah watched completely entranced while SadieJane popped in every now and then to scream "Priiiiin-sin!!" (Princess:)). I watched too while I worked out and then up stairs while I got ready to go to work. I would occasionally shout downstairs to Micah about a favorite part or if something was scary I would check in. When the ending was happening I walked half way down the stairs to see if Micah was loving it. Well, he turned and looked at me with a face that I am beginning to recognize as the "I-am-about-to-fall-apart-unless-you-can-distract-me-big-time-face", so far I haven't succeeded with the distracting enough to stop the breakdown. I tried to explain to Micah that it was happy and Belle and the Prince could now be together. I showed him how everyone had changed back to who they were...and they were living happily ever after. Micah just kept saying "But I'm so sad!". His biggest upset I finally got out of him was about the Beast, he didn't want him to change. He was afraid that now if he was just the prince he couldn't protect Belle anymore. I just laughed to myself at how silly it was. But then I cried with him because I felt how real and sad he really was about the movie. Micah has the tenderest heart of anyone I know, I don't know where he learned to be so sensitive...or maybe I do.

Fast forward to last night after a long day with a few sparks of beauty in it. But for the most part just a hard day. I am still trying to gain perspective on God deciding I need a new job and aligning my heart with what He wants as I am having a serious struggle coping. While during the day I just battled with the Lord on why I have to work and stressed over how I am going to keep it together because it looks like now I will need to work two smaller jobs along with my responsibilities now. I also had to face to face tell people I work with that I wont be at my chicken house any longer. Made reality set in a little for me. Ugh. (I know, bear with me here through my grumbling...I have a point I promise) Nevermind I was blessed to have Nana watch the kiddos so I at least could talk to adults without Micah shouting "Why did you get fired?" and I had lunch aka therapy session that was like a breath of fresh air. I still let satan run his agenda all over my day. But then I took Micah to choir, something he has been dying to do for YEARS and what did he do? Cry like a baby, I mean serious wailing and gnashing of teeth. He has never acted like that about school or sunday school or anything. I was so shocked I probably overreacted and we ended up sitting on the church steps trying to talk it out. SayJ was dying to go to class so I ended up taking the girl who used to always cry and let her go in and Micah and I hung out on the steps a while longer. Ugh. (almost there...) Did I mention softball started and I am a single mom? Finally, I just decide to pack it up and go home. I had to make the walk of shame past all the workers and then past Aunt Wendy...we finally arrived at the car and I put the kiddos in and considered just camping out in the parking lot but then afraid of on lookers I reluctantly got in the car. As I drove home I cranked the music up for Micah and SadieJane and I just began to cry. (Don't worry I only let loose at red lights, poor car next to me) As tears ran down my face I thought to myself I am just so sad, but what for? And then it hit me, change. We all know I despise change and there is just alot involved in our lives lately. It was at that moment I thought of Micah and the beast and how silly I thought it for him to be so sad and crying over something that was actually a good change. That no one would want the beast to stay the beast. But here I am crying in my car, grumbling about my day because of CHANGE. All of which happens to be good change if I really believe Romans 8 and all. As I've thought more about the similarities of Micah and I's attitude I've thought of how God knows exactly what He is doing and how silly I must look to Him with all my worry and anxiety. But then I thought of how I felt crying with Micah because I saw his pain and felt his hurt. How much more must God be seeing me and loving me through all this yuck. Ahhhh...and of course I had to also think to myself, who wants "the beast to stay the beast". With all my grumbling and denying what God so obviously is doing in my life is like wanting to stay where I am and refusing to change which is also obviously for my good and for my growth. Got it. Thanks Disney, I knew you had to have some intrinsic value with all the love we have for you.

Hopefully we can get back to some normalcy now that I've hashed this all out. Pa-sha we all know this probably wont be the last you (or my husband) hears of my grumbling, but I promise to at least be better:)