God stuff.

I'm well aware that if you believe in Jesus give your life to Him and begin a personal    relationship with God almighty, it is indeed ALL, "God stuff". But for the sake of no better terminology I wanted to share how amazing God is in preparing, meeting and changing my heart when He decides it's time to refine/stretch/challenge me in a particular area. 

This whole bringing 2 little people into our home was not something I'd term "easy" nor has it been all sunshine and roses. At. All. But I can see a teeny tiny part of God's great big ole plan and I'm already, somehow feeling privileged to be apart of it. When it began, a few short weeks ago, that was not my primary feeling.

Here's some background on how cool my God is...

- I've been praying in the last month or so for our family and ministry. We've got stuff that Mick and I do. We have areas the kids are involved in and we talk about living life for Jesus. But lately I've felt this overwhelming sense that as parents we weren't doing enough for them to "get it". You know, the great commission, Jesus' commands to help the poor, just being Christlike in general. We'd catch a glimpse in giving to a homeless person or giving money and praying for someone in need. But I had started to pray for a way for ALL of us to have an opportunity to serve. I was making a list of food pantry's. God had bigger and better plans.

- One day recently riding in the car with SB I was praying/singing/screaming "oceans" to Jesus. I was overwhelmed to sobs over the line

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander..." 

The sheer magnitude of opening myself up for His plan, without MY initial nudging both moved me and frightened me.

- Another car ride realization (notice all my alone time is courtesy of car seats and 5 point harness separation, I used to have these thoughts in shower/bathroom time, but that is no longer sacred:() While I was driving to Target, I began praying for my kiddos and I took the following to heart:

-Lastly, I have been getting a wee bit of alone time and feeling sortof dare I say, confident in my own abilities as of late. I've been playing tennis, doing a few of my own things and just generally getting a little comfortable with life. Thursday before we added our blondes to the Harper 5, it occurred to me while driving home that I sortof was enjoying this "suburban" life I was living. Maybe I'd get a spray tan and get ready for summer by the pool. Yeah, I'd look up the stuff about the food pantry later.

Then Friday morning comes and our life is shifted. I'm faced with an opportunity to truly show my kiddos servanthood in a whole new way. So much for my plans. At first I was anxious and scared and a little bitter that our family would get to learn in this way. Telling Micah (my hearts twin) our plan shed true light on the matter. His first response was fetal position tears and complete resistance. I'm an adult so this kind of behavior would have been unacceptable for me in response to the current situation but it took some restraint for me to not follow suit. Truth is, I've got 3 kids, whom I love dearly. I was good. Had my cup full. I like things neat and tidy, black and white. Grey areas are not my friend. Grey isn't in God's vocabulary anyways...but when I can't decide direction, things seem grey. Taking on 2 more kiddos is one thing, but my sister's children? Surely that's too complicated for us. Better not go for complicated, even God couldn't work this situation out...wrong!!

I'm now 2 weeks into whatever this is God is calling our family to...but the point is, He has already given me encouragement and affirmation that this isn't about me at all. It's about Him. Deny myself. Take up His cross. Turns out, all the worrying about my kiddos "getting it" should've been applied to my own life as well. Granted our family is learning and growing in ways we never could have otherwise. I'm not saying a weekly trip to work a food pantry wouldn't have had the same end result...or maybe I am. The point is, God knows exactly what we need, even when we are kicking and screaming we disagree, or when we are begging Him to do something big. We've got our own ideas, but He is the one who leads/directs/controls our paths. It's the same lesson for me, but brand new at the very same time. I honestly do not know what the future holds, but I do know who holds the future. He's showing me (again, in a new way) that's all I need. Truly can't wait to see what He does next. Trusting Him for grace for each moment. 

PS. I have nothing against tennis, spray tans, swimming or living life where God has planted you. In fact I hope to continue with as many of the aforementioned as possible. In light of, not in place of my current situation. It's just that those things are just things and I needed to loosen my grip on things like that...hope you hear my heart per usual here.