Doin' Some Updatin'

There once was a post all scattered and scared, leading up to Micahbird entering kindergarten. Then there was no update in sight. I wanted to document a little about our year. I know you are all dying to hear this Iwantedtohomeschoolmomma eat her words...I mean, has to say about the dreaded public school system. I have lots  of thoughts, what's new? So I'm gonna bulletpoint them:

-we love.love.love Micah's school, principal and teacher. They love him and work hard to help him do well.

- after our first full week of homework I did (temporarily) eat my words about homeschool. Homework continues to generate great angst and gnashing of teeth. Ugh, only 12 more years of homework to go.

-going to bed at 8:30 is hard for night owl children, although I think it's improved our marriage.

-Micah loves PE, recess and lunch...in that order. He would be fine if they dismissed directly after those 3.

-sight words are a beast and while I see the purpose they have played a hard part of our first year of school.

-some kids are really cut out for learning, love to learn and play school, Micah is not one of those kids.

- I am so thankful we held him back. Biggest parenting decision we have made and it is confirmed over and over this year, it was the right one. Thank you Jesus!

-kids love Micah. Girls LOVE Micah. Like want to marry Micah. Ugh, this is worse than homework.

- I do love that he is well liked. I like him a lot and I'm glad to validate my opinion outside of Momma blindness. He has made tons of friends and loves his boys...and a few girls. Argh.

- Micah's teacher got injured and was gone for a looong time. Boo hiss. But after talking with the Principal, he agreed to step in and work with Micah. It has made a WORLD of difference! I am so grateful for that kind of love and help Micah is receiving. His teacher is back now, but the principal's still meeting with Micah!

-I am afraid of common core and all the silly standards. I miss the days of satisfactory, unsatisfactory or needs improvement. I have a college education and cannot read the "report card".

-despite the above facts it appears that Micah's school marches to the beat of it's own drum and I like what I've heard this far. They are teaching to standards more than I like, but they see Micah and teach him...not just to pass a standard. This is a slippery slope and don't know how long we will be able to stand it. Prayers Ga changes their thinking on cc.

- thankfully my perspective on the year and Micah's are vastly different. Meaning he doesn't think it's as hard as I'm making it sound...or at least he doesn't know it.

-I could go on like this forever but I'll stop here. For now.

Overall this year has been a huge adjustment. Quite possibly more for me than Micah. Change is hard. School is work. But I do feel like we made the right choice. (For now) The resources that we have at Micah's school far out way my abilities and capacity to teach right NOW. That could change. But I'm not a fan of change. Bottom line whatever we did this year was gonna be hard because we added a whole new person to the family and started realdealalldaylongschool. So we've all learned a lot and are planning on finishing strong. Which will be better than how we started...

Brokenness

We Read Psalm 38 

Yikers, tough stuff ahead. 

We all long to be whole, complete and filled. But the truth is there is much to be learned in the emptyness and broken parts of our souls. 

When is the last time we were broken about our sin? It may have been a while, a week or you may be sitting amidst great anxiety and angst as we study now. Repentance, examination and confession is key to our relationship with Christ. 

David was surely a man after God's heart but even he wasn't immune from great sin and in that; great brokenness. I don't know about you, but it is often torturous to walk around and "do life" when God is dealing with me about a stronghold or sin in my life. Perhaps that's why I try to avoid such raw exposure. But the prayer David is praying, while raw, is real and honest and a place we could all learn from and go to when an area of sin should be dealt with...big or small. (Not that God sees them as either. Sin is sin.)

God calls us to examine ourselves. Who among us, truly, deep down as believers wants to walk around with sin that we haven't both dealt with...in acknowledgement as well as repentance? There are but a few.

We all long for healthy bones, sound flesh and a light yoke. But those things come from a contrite spirit that is laid down as we confess and receive fresh grace and mercy. 

I spend an awful lot of time trying to "grow" and learn and "do" in my life with Jesus, but I often skip over examining my heart for sin. It's not pretty. It brings anxiety. It even stirs up conflict. These things make my pits sweat. Seriously. 

But if David humbled himself this way...moreover if my Jesus died on the cross for MY iniquities...it would serve us all well to bow down (way down)and confess, repent and get real about ugly sin in our lives. 

I don't say all this because I think sisters should spend more time calling each other and themselves out (no thanks). I say it because Gods word teaches us and gives us these living examples like David to learn out of this place of brokenness, just as we learn from our victories and God's faithful miracles.

All of this to say, we know David didn't keep his nose to the dirt and neither should we...we've still received that abundant redemption and we can lay claim to that and give up the claim to our sinfulness. We lay empty before God, not to enjoy emptyness, but so that we can experience true FULLness in Christ.

We ought not look at sin trivially, but seriously. We ought to deal with it not pridefully, but humbly. We out to be broken by it, but not wallow in it. We ought to cry out to our Lord Jesus to "make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation". Then REVEL in forgiveness and wholeness that only being BROKEN and redeemed can bring. 

I pray I'm not misunderstood on what I think God is revealing through His word here. I don't feel that we should be condemned or live in a place of continual sadness. But I do feel myself steering away from true examination of sin. This might just be me. But I feel a reminder to "go there", because if not we could develop severe strongholds. David surely saw a need to be there. But at the same time God doesn't call us to live in a continuous state of anxiety or condemnation. Freedom is in Christ as we lay bare before The Lord. The light is good. Bringing our sin into the light frees us from sins power over us. So that we can LIVE life closer to Him. That's what we are all after, isn't it?

Abundant Redemption

This isn't my usual, here's pics of my babies, or here's my latest realization blogpost. I am doing a Bible study through www.shereadstruth.com and their challenge for lent was to write our own study on Friday's. So this is my go at doing just that. Would love your feedback and am excited about the next few Friday's. God is so much more than words on this screen could provide, but I am grateful for the opportunity to share my heart and His through His word.

Attentive.

Forgiving.

Loving. Kind.

Redemptive.

These attributes are salve to my oh so weary soul.
Because my list lately looks like this...
Failure.
Bitter.
Quick to anger.

I haven't gone around all angry and such consistently. But the woes of this world have been getting me down. This Psalm, this prayer, this cry for help,  from David in Psalm 130 is one of great impact on my life. Time and time again the Lord brings me back to it. It must be a lesson that I need a reminder of quite a lot. You can tell by the dates in my Bible, this isn't a lesson for a season or for a specific time; this is for life. (isn't that true of His word as a whole?)

The Lord keeps no record of our sinfulness. Of our weariness. Of our anger. He forgives. Let. That. Sink. In. Feels freeing, doesn't it? To know that the same God who spoke the world into existence and who breathed the very Word we are reading forgives us...the tired Momma, the tired-of-the-dating game sista, the infertile Sarah's, the working ladies...ALL of us lay equal at the foot of the cross. We kneel down sinners and He forgives us and we rise up ABUNDANTLY redeemed. We must simply come. Ask. Confess.

While we wait patiently like those waiting on dawn He redeems us. God doesn't stop at redemption, He redeems fully, abundantly, more than we could ask or imagine. David tells us to PUT our hope in the Lord. Don't put our hope in our husband, our job, our babies, or our longing for any of these. Put our hope in the Lord and HIS unfailing love. It's an action though, this putting David tells us. We can't sit in carpool and will it upon ourselves with positive thinking. We have to consciously put our trust in Jesus and take our ultimate trust from the things of this world. Easy peasy, eh.

That's where we rest sisters. In the hope, in the love, in the abundance. Oh, if we could stay here. If our longing for more, or our comparison with the next didn't lead us elsewhere...we could rest. We could stay. That's my prayer for me, and my prayer for you. That the God who is oh so kind and loving to redeem us can lead me (us) here time and again He too, longs for us to rest and stay HERE. In His word. In His peace. Let's give it a go, shall we? And when we come up short let's put another date next to an old worn out passage and let it sink in anew. AGAIN. 

Because Everybody Needs a Little More SadieJane in their life...

SadieJane makes my life way more interesting! She's always been a ray of sunshine. When she smiles at others I can't help but think they are complete stinkers if they don't smile back at her. I mean, she is mine and I am biased , but still. The girls got a con list, no doubt. Whining, dramatic crying and fighting with her brother are in no way cutsie or happy. But other than that she just makes me smile. She loves people so much and her family's approval is something she seeks hardcore. She can turn cartwheels and sing the frozen soundtrack at the top of her lungs. She laughs easy and giggles always. If all of us lived a little more like her we'd have more laugh lines less wrinkles, more bruises but we'd have tried new things, we'd have more snacks and less worry about what we eat, we'd tell others how we feel instead of regretting not saying it enough. She's a keeper this girl and I am privileged to be her Momma and to watch the big plans The Lord surely has for her. 

Put me in Coach!

 

So, I've been thinking. I'm about to think out loud on the blog. This combination can be dangerous. But I really need to get it out there. We will see if I have courage/gumption to press share. I'm about to talk about something that is a little touchy. It's the blessing/curse relationship I have with fakebook...I mean facebook. It has served me well in the past so don't think I'm saying this is for anyone except me. But facebook was a blessing....

-back when I needed to locate my sister when she was MIA after a missed rehab stint. That was the initial reason I got on it in the first place. But we've found her and that was 10 years ago.

-I have prayed for hundreds of people through seeing their situation on facebook.

-Perhaps closest to my heart is when SelahBelle was in the hospital and I used it to elicit the prayers of His people, fast, effectively and easily without ever leaving my sweet baby's side.

-It has been a lifeline through which I communicated with the outside world when I was too depressed with Momma depression after birthing tiny miracles times 3.

-I've bettered my marriage, my parenting, and learned countless things about countless things from reading things others have "shared".

- I've had the ability to share Jesus with others by simply posting God's word and pressing post.

-I've been able to share and learn about sad, heartbreaking abortion truths and raise awareness for myself and others.

 

Wow, sounds like a great place to be, doesn't it?

But there's another list I want to make...you know the one. The ugliness that it also envokes. I am sure that most of this is limited to my own experience so feel free to judge away. I know its ugly, that is why I am deciding if drastic measures needs to take place.

Facebook has been a curse of sorts by...

-Causing me to spend countless hours that I can not retrieve stalking people's lives that I do not truly know in real life, but their online drama airing sucks me in every. time.

- Tempting me to look at my phone all throughout the day when I should be driving, paying attention to something else or talking to someone.

- worry...oh worry how I despise your attack on my brain daily. Facebook has a way of making me worry about what I said or didn't say on someones post. Thinking and rethinking it ad nauseum.

-Be obsessive with sicknesses. If I see someone is sick on facebook I will happily pray for them, while similtaneosly counting back the hours since the last time we could have been "exposed" to their strep throat/stomach virus/hangnail. I even get frustrated because I then can calculate how long they stayed at home and could then expose my children post sickness. (I know, I'm nutso)

-Compare. Feel inferior. Compare. Feel Superior. Repeat.

 

And my last one on this list is the main reason I have decided...err...trying to make the plunge...to remove myself from facebook.

 

I titled the post, Put Me in Coach...because I need to "get in the game" with my kiddos on a better basis. I've got laundry out the wazoo, dishes in the washer and dinner is in the ov...wait, not it's not. Thus, my point. To make this family of 5 go. I've got to do a lot of things. After all of the above is done, I can plop down and read facebook with my time and therefore starting down the road of one of the above scenarios...or I can sit down with my children and be "in the game". Read. Engage. Or just be. Or I could even do the laundry...if I've gotta. I could have a quiet time. I could play a game with my children. I could just sit and watch them. I could be ready to talk to Mick when he gets home, not answer one more message, etc.  I think about the fact that SelahBelle has never seen me without my phone. I literally take it everywhere. I didn't have access to all this internetz with my first two. So she really has gotten the shaft on my attention. It makes me sad. But being sad, doesn't multiply my attention for her. But getting off of facebook will. While I feel like the things I listed first are great things they don't outweigh the things I miss with my own family. If I am making disciples here and imparting to them what I know, learn and study in the Bible and elsewhere I will be "sharing" things in real life. So, what's a girl to do? I know myself well enough to know my addictive personality and any kind of "limit" I made for myself on "the book" would simply get broken with my justification. So I think I've gotta make the break. I'm going to do it for a 30 day trial period and then reevaluate. I am worried I will miss something major...like someones latest workout regimine or the latest lost tooth. No seriously, I do think we rely on it heavily to be the go between nowadays. But I'll have to rely on calling, texting or instagramming. I know, I'm not giving up my online scrapbook. Just yet. I'm gonna see how much time this facebook sabbatical frees up and then decide if I need to pair down even more.

So, wish me luck and I'll keep you posted....here...not on facebook:)

Sweetest Grandmama Yet Sassiest Lady Eva

I guess it's good that I've skipped the blogging for a bit because this post is still going to be hard even now. It's been almost 2 months since my Grandmama went to meet Jesus face to face. She's made her self at home in heaven by now and I'm sure she's in the choir if they have one. Jesus is probably having her make biscuits for everyone. My Grandmama was 91 and passed away just days before Christmas. It was one of the hardest yet sweetest things I've ever witnessed. Someone deteriorating here on earth only to enter heaven and gain a new body in heaven. I believe God let me see just how bad and dark suffering can be, to truly be able to gladly tell her to go on to be with Jesus. Having her for 33 years of my life made me believe that I'd never know a day without her loud talking and wet kisses. But time is fleeting and life is short ... Even 93 years short. It was so hard to let go of someone who has meant so much to me. But her body just couldn't keep any longer. I am so thankful she met, held and loved all my babies. She was crazy about each one and they loved her too. I had always promised her I would speak at her funeral and tell the story of her wedding night. But fearing her wrath I didn't share that story of how marrying at 14 left she and my Granddaddy clueless to how knocking the boot actually took place. We all know they figured it out because my Mom's brother was born a year later!;) I want to document what I said at her funeral so I'll just end the post with that. 

Can I brag for a minute? My grandmama spent her life bragging on me . Chances r she spent some time bragging on you too. So I promised her when she finally went on I'd have some bragging to do on her. 
I wanted to give time giving God some glory and to honor a lady who left a legacy that I'm not sure anyone could ever live up to. 
The legacy she left stands out to me in 3 significant ways. Her prayer life, her love for her family and her personal relationship w Jesus. Chances are most people in this room know what it's like to be her family...blood or not. She had a way to make everyone feel like you were her favorite. She was always "so proud you came" and if you let her know when you were coming. She'd have all of your favorite foods. For me it was biscuits, fried chicken and fried okra. For others it was her tomato gravy...but pretty much anything she cooked was delicious. She'd have it ready for you and if you weren't hungry u best just hush bc you were gonna eat it!  She loved her family to bits and we all knew it. 
I learned so much from her, from lessons about money and fruit at the fruit stand to things about your boyfriend that your grandmother should not say!  She taught me family is important. 
One of the ways she taught this was through her prayer life. As a young girl my grandmama was the only person I'd stay with and when I did we'd get to kneel at the end of her bed and we'd pray. As we both got older her prayer example continued and even when I got old enough to sleep in the room next door I could hear her get down on her knees and pray. She never gave up on anyone and lifted so many of y'all up nightly in sure. She was persistent with The Lord and she wasn't afraid to tell him just how she felt. But those prayers got louder as the years wore on and he hearing got lesser. She never quit. Praying with her these last few weeks was a gift I'll always cherish. Especially bc she couldn't let me end the prayer; she had to join in. She never missed a chance to talk to Jesus. That example is one part of her legacy I hope to pAss on. ...

I sadly just discovered the rest of what I wrote/said was somehow lost! I am so upset. But will have to finish another day. So to be continued...

Third Time Mother

Well, it might have been a minute since I've found time to get on the internetz for blog perusing or writing. But my excuse is pretty good...and pretty cute. Having the 3rd child has officially maxed us out. Mentally and physically I just ran out of time to do much else. Things like blogging, plucking my eyebrows, washing my face, nurturing friendships, pottying alone, have all become things of the past. But alas, we are drawing closer to the year mark and I will emerge from the baby fog and maybe just one day the girl will sleep through the night two consecutive nights in a row. That day will make me a new woman for sure. But for now we are on our second round of snow days here in D Vegas and our washer is broken, so what's a girl to do if she can't tackle that load of laundry but write one of the 20 blogs that have been rolling around in my cobwebby brain all year.

Being a "first time Momma" was something all on its own. But for a control freak and worrisome gal like me it was a hard, hard, did I say hard? transition. This "third time Momma" stuff has surely not been all sunshine and roses, but it has been a much, much easier transition and one that I have enjoyed and learned to relish even in the hard moments. But let's be honest if you are out there getting advice and a "first time Momma" walks up we take their advice but after having 2 you just might nod and say thanks (not me, but "other people" do this;)) But if a "3rd time Momma" walks in with advice, most get out their notebooks to jot down each word she says. Ok, not really, but sortof. There comes a sort of trial by fire knowledge that you just can't get unless you've had to mother multiple babies all of different sleeping habits, eating habits and personalities. Knowing its your last I'm sure changes things too. But I guess its true what they say that babies can sense fear and maybe I was a tad bit afraid that I hadn't read enough manuals...and now I've realized there is no manual that will answer every question because every baby is so different. Even between my 3, what worked for one of them hasn't been true for all. That's part of the beauty of the 3rd, you know that so you don't stress as much. I wanted to write this post because there is a lot of hype flying around about how having 3 is the hardest and most stressful number of kiddos. They say after 3 the mom starts to let go. I guess I am just advanced, because I've started to let go with the 3rd;) I kid. But with the 3rd or 4th or 1st or 17th...whatever is your number that you finally (somewhat, I'm not saying this ever reaches perfection) understand that God is indeed in control and you indeed are not. I think having SelahBelle in the hospital and coming to the realization that God could spare her life, or God could indeed have her life cut short gave me a weird sense of freedom. Knowing that whatever His plan was, there would be purpose in it. That purpose might hurt something fierce and I might not understand it for many years, or ever. But fighting for control with a God who is way too big for that is just useless. I've realized with the 3rd that these babies are NOT mine alone. That they are entrusted to me for a time. I've got to be obedient to God and His calling...but I am free from a never ending cycle of guilt, burden and unproductive worry. Maybe I might need to read that truth daily though, because there is no doubt I forget it from time to time. The cuddling and enjoying even the sleepless nights have come easier, knowing how they are as quick as a vapor and my memories are already fading about my times with my 2 big ones. The sicknesses are still hard to watch anytime my babies hurt but I'm starting to learn with 3 my Mom and Grandmama might be right after all, their motto of "you can't run from it" is actually turning out true. While we still aren't going to play on the mall playground because I haven't completely been cleansed from my germaphobness, we are going to church and I am letting others hold SelahBelle without breaking out in hives. I love watching the joy she brings us and others. I love watching her nose crinkle and I love knowing how precious each moment is for all of us. Somehow the 3rd made me see just how big Micah is getting and how little SadieJane still seems...even though they are both growing at just the right pace. I have wanted to hold them both more, knowing they aren't my babies anymore and soon enough they wont even fit in my lap. But they'll both sit there regardless, just ask them, I am brainwashing them. I know that what I am learning now is a type of freedom in Christ. I have said in the past God gives you however many children it takes for you to relinquish control...and I have kept getting knocked up. But I also know that this lesson comes to many others in different ways and where I need to relinquish control might not be the same ways that you do...same deal as each child is different so are each of us Momma's. But I'm gonna ride this train as long as I can, enjoying each toothy grin and stinky diaper...knowing I'm gonna miss this soon enough. I have grown more sentimental...didn't know it was possible...but I have taken it to a whole new level. Mick and I'll be staring at each other at the dinner table wondering where the time has gone before we know it...

 

The other reason I haven't blogged much is social media stage fright has started to get to me. Things I type on facebook, on instagram, etc. consume my thinking at times. I know that I might be misinterpreted or judged. But this paralysis isn't worth me not documenting my time with my babies. So read on friend, if you wish, but let this disclaimer stand for all my further posts. Judge not lest you be judged. I love Jesus. A lot. I want people to see Him in me, in my husband, in my babies and in our family. If we know that about each other we will talk kinder, read with an open mind and put ourselves in each others shoes before we calmly agree or choose to disagree. K? K.